Jan 29, 2009

Batman Number 1, 3/4: The Cat

Part one can be found here, part two can be found here

The Cat
I know what you are thinking, and YES, this title is referring to Catwoman. Although she does not go by that full title, not called Selina Kyle, nor wear the signature costume. But the villain returns in later issues and slowly becomes Catwoman.

Bruce Wayne reads in the newspaper about Mrs. Travers having a yacht party in which she is bringing her most prized diamond necklace. NOTE…she won't be wearing it. She just felt like bring it on board. Cause that's what I do when I throw a yacht party; I bring my most valuable procession with me. Bruce thinks that all the publicity of the party will make the boat a target. So he has Dick go undercover as a waiter.

As everyone boards the yacht, Mrs. Travers welcomes her nephew Danny, who has brought along a guest, Miss Peggs, an elderly woman. I wonder why he's hanging out with an old lady… the only reason I can think of is…. Ewww. God I hope they're crooks… cause the other option is gross.

Through much exposition we find out a bunch of crap we already know. As Dick follows Danny, he finds a note he meant to throw away, that is signed by The Cat!!! Saying "Keep your aunt away from the room! Will try then!"… WOW, that Cat sure knows how to be subtle.

Not much later Mrs. Travers comes screaming about how her necklace was taken. She must check on it every 5 minutes—glad to see she's such a good host. As they try to figure out who stole it, a boat with gangsters pulls up. They want the necklace. Mrs. Travers laughs telling them that it's already gone…that's a smart idea; let's LAUGH at the men with guns. But this IS the same chick that takes her most valuable necklace with her on a well-publicized yacht.

Upset, the gangsters take all the other jewelry from the party guests. Dick punches a few before jumping in the sea. Why? Who knows? The gangsters make a break for it, only to run into Batman a short time later. How he knew they were coming, I can't tell you. Robin soon joins him and they lasso and tie up the gangsters.

GREAT they caught this set of bad guys. Good. Okay time to hurry back to the yacht so you can…what? You're not done? It turns out that Batman wants to untie two of them so Robin can beat them up. WHAT the HELL! "I know we caught them, but how about you kick the shit out of a few of them Robin, it will be FUN!" What kind of sadistic tendency is THAT.

After beating up the two men, to the point that they beg Robin to stop. Batman then turns to look out of the panel, breaking the fourth wall, to say how this shows that with out guns crooks are "yellow" and you shouldn't be like them.. because you should learn to hit, cause hurting people just for the fun of it is COOL. And where the hell does Batman get off giving an anti-gun message. He just GUNNED DOWN two trucks in the last story.

Having wasted time, Batman and Robin return to the yacht where they are having a masquerade ball. 'Cause after I get held up at gun point, I want to dance the night away dressed up in a costume, not deal with the trauma of being robbed, or return to dock to file a police report. NO! I want to party. I mean… did Bob Kane and Bill Finger give ANY thought about this… AT ALL!

Anyway… so Batman enters the party to return everyone's jewels, and is given first prize for best costume…that isn't a joke, they really give him first prize. Elsewhere Robin pulls the fire alarm, this causes everyone to run off the dance floor, the old woman that came aboard with Danny also runs, causing Batman to figure out she is the jewel thief, The Cat. Of course he would have had to know that already, cause she WAS the ONLY person that ran that wasn't suppose to be able to.

Unmasking The Cat as a beautiful woman, she asks Batman to join her as the king to her queen of crime. After saying that he's tempted, he turns her down… since when is Batman tempted to commit crimes. That's kind of Batman's thing, fighting crime. Why’s that? Because it's a woman, and Batman can only think with his utility-belt. That makes sense, especially since he didn't tie her up at all, let's her escape, and STOPS Robin from going after her. He then talks about how good looking she was, and hopes he runs into her again.
What the hell!

Batman needs to stop hanging out with a teenage boy, and get laid. For REAL. He's so horny; he lets a criminal get away cause she's good looking. If The Cat had cankles and a flat chest, Batman would have beat’ her ass and taken her to jail. Bruce Wayne is a billionaire; it can't be THAT hard to get some girl to blow him. Hell, he can just get himself a whore if he's that bad at picking up women. When your dick keeps you from doing your job, you need to at least rub one out once and while.

Tomorrow: The Return of The Joker

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